On December 11th, 2017 I said goodnight to my mom and I proceeded to go to bed with my now fiance. Somewhere around three and four in the morning my cried out my name, I woke up and I went down the hall. She asked me for a glass of water and I got it for her. I told her that I loved her and gave her a kiss and then went back to bed. I woke up and she was gone.

I was the one who had to call the ambulance. I sat down next to my fiance and I said “Marissa, my mom is gone” and she gave me a hug. I exited my room and I was met with my dad asking me, “Why don’t you cry when your MOTHER passes away?” I was still in shock I guess.

I haven’t talked to my Dad in almost 2 years now and it feels good to not be around someone who is extremely toxic.

Having a loved one pass away is somthing that I wish on no person. It leaves an empty spot and nothing can fill it. Everyday I am reminded of my mom and it just kills my freaking soul, man. The music I play, the cat that I now take care of (not reluctantly), the food that I eat all remind me of a person that I’ll never see again. She will never be able to go to my wedding or see my kids. My kids will have to be told stories of how great of a person that their grandmother was. I just lay in bed and I stare at the ceiling recalling memories of my mom.

Thus is the human condition and there is nothing that I can change. I can talk about it and imagine that I am still okay with it but, alas, I am not.

I did find solace in video games, specifically a community of people within a discord channel. Through the release of the first Tom Clancy’s The Division through PUBG and then awkwardly back to Overwatch. They are an important group of people. They are a constant in my life post losing my mum and I am grateful.

Attempting the God run in Risk of Rain 2, discussing Destiny and all of it’s lore, dicussing Warframe, playing squads in PUBG, yawning at people in Overwatch and watching them lose their bananas, hearing from another room a man howling at the top of his lungs. All of these are special moments that I love to engage in.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the hell out of my fiance and two cats. Nothing is better than hanging out and watching T.V with them on the couch.

I just want to give a very clear shout out to the people that help me realize that even though I am sad at certain points and my mental health is not neccesarily on point, that they provide me with a space that I can combat this feeling of lonliness through laughter and video games.

Thank You.